Flirting does not stop mattering once a couple says “I do.” A new look at flirting in marriage, published by Psychology Today, revisits research showing that playful attention between spouses does real emotional work long after the dating stage ends.
Most research on flirting has focused on courtship, the window before two people commit to each other. But Brandi Frisby set out to study what flirting looks like once the relationship is already locked in in a marriage. Her 2009 study followed nine married, heterosexual couples, 18 people in total, all between 26 and 33 years old, and asked them directly what flirting meant to them once the ring was on.
What The Research Found About Flirting In Marriage
The couples in Frisby’s study did not describe flirting as a prelude to sex the way daters might. Instead, they described it as a way to remind a spouse they are seen and valued. One participant put it simply: “I flirt with my husband to make him feel loved and important to me, not just another person.”
That shift away from purely sexual signaling shows up again and again in the interviews. Another participant described the change this way: “Before it was more about the sexual undertones, I would say there is more now for the purpose of feeling better.” The goal was not conquest. It was connection.
Why Being Flirted With Builds Confidence
For the spouses on the receiving end, flirting did more than feel nice in the moment. Participants in Frisby’s study reported higher self-esteem and increased self-confidence in their relationships when their partner flirted with them. Marriage does not erase the need to feel desired, and one participant made that explicit: “Once you are married, you want some affirmation that we do still find one another attractive: I want him to want me, not just because I am his wife.”
That need for ongoing affirmation is a useful frame for couples wondering why small gestures, a wink, a private joke, a lingering touch, still carry weight decades into a relationship. The research suggests those gestures are not leftover habits from dating. They are doing active maintenance on the bond.
A Private Language Between Partners
Several couples in the study described flirting as its own private dialect, something built between the two of them and recognizable to no one else. One participant explained it this way: “Flirting is anything that, um . . . gets my attention or his attention, but only between us, just the way I communicate with him and nobody else.”
That exclusivity appears to be part of the point. A shared code that outsiders cannot read reinforces the idea that the marriage is its own space, separate from the rest of life, with its own rules and references.
Flirting As A Tool For Easing Tension
Frisby’s participants also used flirting to defuse conflict and signal that an argument was over. One participant described it as a kind of emotional shorthand: “I think it gives relief from hard conversations, like if there has been a hard one, he will flirt to let me know there’s not a problem anymore.”
Used that way, flirting becomes a repair tool, a quick, low-stakes way to tell a partner the disagreement did not change how they feel about each other. It lets couples move forward without a lengthy debrief every time tension rises.
One participant summed up what the research points to overall: “Flirtation in the marriage is probably more important than most people, well, at least myself, would give it credit for.” Couples looking to keep that private language alive might start by paying closer attention to the small moments of playfulness already built into their routine, and consider setting healthy boundaries in relationships so that affection stays mutual and welcome on both sides. For couples navigating distance, the same instinct for playful connection applies to building a healthy long-distance relationship, and anyone working through friction at home may find overlap with tips on how to handle jealousy in relationships. Those still building new connections can also look at advice on meeting someone in real life.
Frisby’s findings, detailed in the original Psychology Today piece, were based on a small, demographically narrow sample of heterosexual couples in their late 20s and early 30s, so the patterns described may not reflect every marriage. Couples interested in digging deeper into how small daily habits shape long-term bonds can also find related guidance in Psychology Today’s broader coverage of relationship research.
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